Opossum vs TWDITW

It finally happened.  At 6:09 a.m. this morning, I let The Worst Dog In The World outside for a quick pee in the backyard before I left to meet Martha for a walk. As soon as the door opened, he bolted to the corner of the house and started barking frantically.  Like FRANTICALLY.  He is a large unit, weighing in at close to 100 pounds of solid muscle (and don't forget he is also a little mentally unstable and takes prozac every day!)  Along with his large body comes a deep, deep, hard bark that is honestly a little unnatural and will stop your heart if he barks when you aren't expecting it. I have literally, no joke, throw whatever I was holding in my hand straight into the air when I have been caught off guard by a bark coming out of him. 

I immediately race out in to the backyard to shush him, because it is super early and the neighbors are probably sleeping.  It is also still dark.  I turn the corner and shine my flashlight at him and there it is...a giant opossum on the ground behind a bush. Large opossum. Size of large house cat. It is alive and Cooper has it trapped. The opossum has his mouth open and is hissing and TWDITW is probably five inches from the opossum and barking so hard that Cooper's body is coming off the ground. Cooper is in a frenzied state and I have no idea how to make this stop! I am hard whispering to him "Coop - Leave it.  Leave it. Dammit Cooper - Leave it."  He doesn't even know I am in the yard, much less does he have any intention of leaving it.   

 

I race back into the house, trying to think of what I can get to distract TWDITW from the opossum so I can grab hold of his collar. Honestly, in the state he is in I am afraid to reach in and grab his collar for fear he will snap at me and take off my arm. Remember....he is 100 lbs, mentally unstable and takes prozac every day. 

Anyway, I grab a rotisserie chicken out of the fridge, because there is nothing Cooper likes more than chicken. It sounds like an asinine idea as I am typing this two hours later, but seriously Cooper loves chicken. I run out in the back yard with my chicken and throw hunks of it at Coop with no response and eventually throw a whole chicken leg at him and it whacks him in the head and he gives exactly no damns about chicken. Apparently, he loves living, breathing, hissing opossums more than chicken. I am going to write that in his baby book. 

Anyway, at this point the opossum makes a move and turns to try to escape the other way. Cooper races to the other side of the bush and traps him still barking and barking and barking and barking. I race back into the house and get a leash to try to lasso his neck to pull him off. The opossum is now turning one way and back the other every fifteen seconds and I am trying to lasso Coop as he runs back and forth around the bush. It is dizzying and frustrating. I can write this in my baby book: TERRIBLE AT LASSOING! 

I text Martha because I know she is headed towards me for our walk with a HELP!!! Cooper has an opossum trapped in the yard!  She says "On my way! I am not even to your street and I can hear him barking!" Oh my Lord! HURRY! 

What I think Martha can do to help me is unknown. I just know I need some moral support and more hands! 

I run back to the house for the third time and go in the garage to wrestle two giant pieces of plywood from behind the hanging bikes! Martha arrives just in time to carry one board and I carry the other.  NO IDEA what we are going to do with the boards, but need to somehow put it between the hissing opossum and the barking dog to break the standoff. 

I put the first piece of plywood between TWDITW and the opossum on one side of the bush. Both animals turn and go the other way.  Martha tries to shove her board in to stop the opossum the other way.  The opossum is more spooked and turns again and squeezes past my board and is now out in the open, up against the house and away from the bush and Cooper is seriously barking two inches from his face.  Without the bush in the way, my lassoing has a better chance. I get the leash partially around Cooper's head about four times but can't get the dang loop placed correctly around his neck to drag him away!  

I am cussing a blue streak. Martha's ears should have been bleeding from the cussing and barking, but she just stays so calm whispering encouraging words to me "You are doing great. You almost have it. Keep trying. They are getting tired." She is the best. 

FINALLY, after the longest eleven minutes of my life, at 6:20 a.m. I successfully lasso Cooper's neck and drag him away from the opossum. Cooper almost immediately relaxed, tongue hanging out of his mouth and headed into the house. I think he was exhausted. He went in and drank a gallon of water and had the highest endorphin rush of his life. His eyes were glowing. He really felt like a hero. He didn't even hardly acknowledge that Martha was in the house and normally that would be super interesting to him. 

My heart was beating a million miles a minute. My adrenaline was sky high. I was sweating. Whew.  Mostly, I needed him to stop barking so the neighbors didn't come out and shoot him or me. But, really I was so worried that Cooper would eventually grab the opossum and kill it in front of me and I would have been horrified.

After taking several deep cleansing breaths, we left Cooper's ass panting in the kitchen and headed out for our walk. We rehashed the whole event for about 1/2 a mile while I got my heart rate back to normal. 

I came home and immediately ordered an animal control pole. It will be here on Monday.  I will hang it on my back patio and if this ever happens again, I will be prepared. 

TWDITW has been sacked out since I returned from my walk.  Snoring loudly and probably dreaming of opossums. 

So, how was your morning?