Bittersweet

Tonight, about 8:30 I took TWDITW for a walk to the mailbox to pick up the mail.  It was hot and muggy and dark, but the moon was bright and the bats were flying overhead.  Sprinklers were going off along our path and we were just moseying along while Coop smelled all the things. It was peaceful and unhurried.

As we got closer to the mailboxes, I could hear splashing and laughing coming from the neighborhood pool. The nostalgia hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't help but go a little bit closer.  Kids were laughing and screaming "Not it!" and jumping into the water.  Not sure if it was a game of sharks and minnows or some other pool competition, but they were living their very best life on this hot Friday night after the first long week of school. That was my life not so many years ago, but tonight it made my chest feel tight and my eyes sting with tears.  I am not sure what all the emotion was about, but I am sure it was partly the sweet, precious memories of "night swims" at the pool and my darling children as rambunctious little boys...along with the overwhelming sadness of my personal story contaminated by this damn divorce.  My memories are all jaded and messy. I was sad.  But also, I realized when I was in living those moments I knew they were good.  I was not a mom who sat on the edge.  I was a mom who got in an played and made up games and made those kids play fair.  I lived those moments and they are mine.

As I made my way home, I smiled as I dug up memories of so many nights heading home all wrapped up in towels, smelling like chlorine, stripping out of bathing suits in the garage, wet towels everywhere, children always starving after a night swim.  The best.

Sweet, precious memories that kind of hurt.  Maybe they hurt for everyone.

Bittersweet.

I know you never know what you are going to get when you open up this blog, but tonight I am grateful that I have somewhere to share my feelings.  It helps.